The Desert

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Returning home from Iraq was like trying to return to sleep.  Everybody was happy and proud of me.  They wanted to celebrate by drinking and going out.  They talked about shoes and pop stars.  Famous rich girls who slept around were idolized.  Rappers who promoted materialism and degraded women were heroes.  Everybody needed one more thing to be happy, just one more thing, just one more thing… but they were never happy.  I had to hold myself back.  I was about to release way too much energy that I did not fully understand.  It formed as rage, but I held it back.

When I close my eyes I am there again.  One place in particular.  Silence in the middle of chaos.

But don’t go back there!  You are home and now you can make your life good.  You have a family and a daughter now!

My Daughter, who can always see behind my eyes.  She is awake.  I have to go back, or she will always see that burning in me.  I have to.

I close my eyes again.  I am holding a little girl who can’t breath.  One leg is open to the bone.  Everybody is moving so fast but they don’t see us.  What do I do?  I don’t know.  That man was missing his face.  Is this real?  Why is it silent?  I have seen this in a movie, I knew this was real.  What am I doing here?  What about this girl?  I had nobody to hand her to.  I had nowhere to run.  I looked in her eyes and I was given something that I can not return.

That happened in 2007.  This is the third time I posted it on here, the other 2 I deleted.  I don’t know why.  Since I have been facing it, without letting fear push it away, I have felt a great increase of clarity in all aspects of my life. I understand what it means for somebody like me to see what I have seen.  It is good to say what you really need to say.  It is even better to be who you really need to be.  Only you can know for yourself.

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  1. So brave. Such courageous sharing. Thank you for your honest gift. Keep writing.

  2. Thank you for posting this. Really. Through reading your words, people can start to understand the life of soldiers, and that story can only be told by those who experienced it.

    I am happy for the clarity you speak of, but recognize that your words can be powerful to other people.

    In gratitude and with much thanks for your story here 🙂

  3. I admire your courage and awareness, and I know you are much stronger to let this monster beat you.

  4. ooo this not easy thanx for sharing ur story ..and ur a gud men because u got felling some dont dey lost them on there way ….i wish u all da best my frend ..anytime u wanna talk im here 4 you ..stey safe …from a sister.

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