I have not posted anything in a few weeks because of a realization…
After some life changing events, I have realized that all of my posts have simply been a part of me talking to another part of me. I have been encouraging myself and using my blog as a way to hear myself over the noise of the world. It all happened after a vision I had the night before I started this blog;
Archive – 06/01/2012:
“Last night I followed a mysterious old man through shallow water. He led me to an island and told me the people were praying for this land. I gazed at the beautiful island in awe as the old man continued walking out of sight. There were a few trees growing up through the flowing tall grass that glistened in the light rays shining through the clouds drifting overhead. My trance was broken by a black fish that was so large I could see neither head nor tail. I climbed onto the island to escape the danger but the fish began to flap wildly against the shore. The land shook and rocked forward and back until it flipped completely over. The beautiful land was now a lifeless muddy plain. The fish was there and had grown legs and was much smaller. I ran toward him with violent intentions. Just then, the old man appeared and said the fish was not my enemy. Then I woke up.” – end archive – 06/01/2012
After that vision I was filled with a new energy that was so strong my ego had to take a back seat to it. It feels as if I surrendered my ego and allowed my spirit to carry me to where I am now. Originally I thought I was trying to wake people up and share what I thought was good and helpful with everyone. I now know that I was simply trying to get up. Have you ever woke from a deep sleep and not been able to move? It was just like that, but with my entire life. I was looking for the courage to believe in what I saw when others around me did not see. I was still trapped by the judgements of the people who seemed to have figured out that life is just what is in front of us. I was trapped by my fear. I was afraid to walk away from the matrix by myself.
Archive – 06/08/2012: This post shows my fear and justifications for staying in the matrix.
“I want out of this systematic way of life, but I do not see the way. I head for the direction out but it is always blocked. I would live in a tree by a lake. It would not be a community, just a place I could exist. I would grow a garden and fruit bearing trees. I would not be too busy for my daughter everyday and stressed out every night. I would not worry about having leaders with power hungry agendas. I would not worry about the poison being spread through food supplies, water, air, entertainment and news. I would not fear about the instability of an economy based on debt as a means to slavery. I would not worry about all the obligations and expectations of a blinded herd. But right now I still worry and fear all of those things. There is no plot of land that is safe from the intentions of the elite and the reckless reactions of the herd. I can not opt out of this madness, I can only face it and stand my ground.” -end archive 06/08/2012
When using fear as an operating system, nothing makes sense and it is very difficult to achieve anything. I no longer fear those things. I expect them. It is all a part of the process and even dying is an illusion. Sleep paralysis has passed. I am now walking.
It felt as though I had covered an incredible distance, until I found myself at a new beginning. A freshman to the real world, I realized I had just started my journey. The lessons continue and I am still discovering many things about myself and this world. My experiences in the matrix still haunt me. Though I am recovering, it is still hard for me to enjoy myself the way I naturally would in everyday life. I saw horrible things that triggered a warrior-like response in my ego.
Archive – 05/22/2012:
“Returning home from Iraq was like trying to return to sleep. Everybody was happy and proud of me. They wanted to celebrate by drinking and going out. They talked about shoes and pop stars. Famous rich girls who slept around were idolized. Rappers who promoted materialism and degraded women were heroes. Everybody needed one more thing to be happy, just one more thing, just one more thing… but they were never happy. I had to hold myself back. I was about to release way too much energy that I did not fully understand. It formed as rage, but I held it back.
When I close my eyes I am there again. One place in particular. Silence in the middle of chaos.
But don’t go back there! You are home and now you can make your life good. You have a family and a daughter now!
My Daughter, who can always see behind my eyes. She is awake. I have to go back, or she will always see that burning in me. I have to.
I close my eyes again. I am holding a little girl who can’t breath. One leg is open to the bone. Everybody is moving so fast but they don’t see us. What do I do? I don’t know. That man was missing his face. Is this real? Why is it silent? I have seen this in a movie, I knew this was real. What am I doing here? What about this girl? I had nobody to hand her to. I had nowhere to run. I looked in her eyes and I was given something that I can not return.
That happened in 2007. This is the third time I posted it on here, the other 2 I deleted. I don’t know why. Since I have been facing it, without letting fear push it away, I have felt a great increase of clarity in all aspects of my life. I understand what it means for somebody like me to see what I have seen. It is good to say what you really need to say. It is even better to be who you really need to be. Only you can know for yourself.” – end archive 05/22/2012
I could not smile or laugh genuinely because it was inappropriate while war is waged and poison is in everything we consume physically and mentally. I never felt at home anywhere, never took the time or effort to make myself comfortable, never wished to feel good. I did not want to be like the blissful and ignorant, so I over-corrected. I could only wish for those who were suffering at the intentional hands of control. I felt guilty and undeserving whenever anything good happened to me. Even though I was waking up, I had built a secret prison for myself. An amazing woman showed me the door and gave me the key. I have yet to leave this prison for good, though I am thankful to come and go as I please for now.
The path ahead is full of wonder and potential. Thank you for traveling with me. Thank you for reflecting the worth of these words, making it easier for me to trust myself. I may or may not continue to post, simply because I accomplished what this was intended to accomplish. A new chapter is beginning now. These words, thoughts, and intentions have manifested a new world for me to exist in. I encourage all of you to focus on the power of your own thoughts and intentions. The truth of your potential is mind blowing. I love you all.
One last archive – 06/07/2012
“How do you reverse the effects of deliberate mind conditioning? It is a process that is never complete. I am still working on my own. The first step is realizing the extent of the conditioning. Your ego and constructed identity will fight this process to protect the structure it created. You can temper the ego and identity by reminding it that it is not under attack, it is just getting some renovation. At the same time, be aware of what makes you offended and what actions you find yourself justifying. The ego can reveal parts of the structure that were built on false truths that require justifications to keep it together. Let go of the justifications and watch how easily that part of the structure falls away. Now you have a clean slate to rebuild with greater awareness than you originally had. Repeat this process everyday in all aspects of your life no matter how big or small. You will only get better at this process so long as you are self reliant with courageous honesty. Question everything and see with your own eyes. Good luck, I am excited for you!”